Sometimes life can be damn hard. When you are battling several chronic medical conditions it is tough to always be in a good place. One moment I can be perfectly fine, then the next moment find myself unconscious on the bathroom floor due to POTS or curled up in the fetal position from so much pain because of gastroparesis. I could go on a hike one day and then the next be in excruciating pain because my shoulder has sublocated. It is like playing Russian roulette always hoping I can go through the day without any pain.
Sometimes it is difficult because my illnesses are hidden from the public’s eye. On the outside I look healthy, in shape and in perfect condition, but on the inside my body is telling a whole other story. My friends and family are the only ones who can see the destruction of living with chronic illnesses have on someone. Sometimes they are fooled too, but they know what lies in the inside is a very different story.
Currently, I so badly want to flip the bird to my own body and say ” to hell with you, I am going to do what I want to do, watch me.” Typically I have this talk to myself a handful of times a day. I call it my “red headed gene”. My mother’s side are red heads and even though I did not get their strawberry locks, I definitely got the stubbornness that red heads poses.
My stubbornness starts off at a level ten with the attitude that I will prove my body wrong. I will show it who runs this show. I am the boss (so I think). When my body fights back against my own will I slowly give in. My mind starts shifting and my stubbornness drops to a level seven. When my spell does not fade away as quickly as I was hoping it would I start to think, “mayyyybe this isn’t a good idea but I don’t want to admit it jusssst yet”. Laying there feeling like my world may slip way from me or I am simply not as strong as I had hoped I was, makes me then face my reality. I must surrender and let my body take a point for the win column.
When your mind and physical body do not match up you constantly feel a sense of being unbalanced. The mind is fully intact and ready to take on all of your goals and dreams, yet the body has its own game plan.
It is very difficult accepting defeat, especially when it is your body you are fighting against. When it constantly fails you, I can not help but question myself, what have I done wrong? Being isolated at home and canceling future plans only makes my psyche worse. Doesn’t my body know I wanted to go to Midland or travel to San Diego to meet other extremely talented artists? It should know by now that I am constantly planning trips and adventures. This is not a new thing for me, so why does it keep getting in my way of enjoying my plans? I am happiest when I am with the ones I love seeing different places, not seeing different doctors offices or operation rooms.
I struggle a lot with accepting the place I am in. It is tough to not focus on my wants or needs and rather be ok with where I am in this moment. Sitting still and letting this phase of sickness pass is very trying on my patience, but I know that this too will pass just like the wave rolling in on shore. Or the rise of the sun today will then fade away until tomorrow.
All I ask from you body is to please not fail me now… I have to many places to see in this big beautiful world.